Jessica Þó !!

Poor Jessica Simpson suffered an humiliating wardrobe malfunction as she performed in front a live crowd-and millions of home viewers-on ABC’s Good Morning America on Tuesday. Fans got a bird’s eye view of Jessica’s bum as the breezy New York morning sent the singer’s skirt flying while she was on the air.

 

Lost Glass Eye

Lost Glass Eye

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Are My Testicles Black?

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched
over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the
bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a
good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Millionair's Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Pants vs Panties

       

 

      Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

 

      He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.'

 

      She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

 

      I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

 

      'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

  

      On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'

 

      She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

 

      Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here- you try on mine.'

 

      He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

 

      Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

 

             

 

      One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

      the rancher says to Amy:

     

      'The insemination man is coming over

      to impregnate one of our cows today.

     

      I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above

      the cow's stall in the barn.

      You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?'

     

      The rancher leaves for the fields.

      After a while, the artificial insemination

      man arrives and knocks on the front door.

      Amy takes him down to the barn.

     

       

     

      They walk along the row of cows and

      when she sees the nail, she tells him 

      'This is the one right here.'.

     

       

     

      The man, assuming he is dealing with

      an airhead blonde, asks 'Tell me lady,

      'cause I'm dying to know;

      how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

     

       

     

      'That's simple. By the nail over its stall',

      Amy explains very confidently.

     

       

     

      Laughing rudely at her, the man says

      'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

     

     

      The blonde turns to walk away and

      says sweetly over her shoulder

      'I guess it's to hang your pants on'.

     

     

      (Chalk up one for the Blonde!

      It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in awhile.)

 

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Texas vs NY

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"

Comprehending Engineers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters."
"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Seinfeld fær 10 Million $ Dollara fyrir að leika í þessum Microsoft Ad´s og hann er þess virði