The Interview

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Alltaf góður

Small World

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went.
Guy 1: Yah..I'm originally from Dublin, Ireland
Guy 2: REally?! Me too!
Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.
Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?
Guy 1: 1988!
guy 2: Same here!

A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.
The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."

Palin tekin fyrir í SNL af Tina Fey

Köttur vs Prentari

Dad's Occupation

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, “My dad’s a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack goes next: “My dad’s a doctor. He makes sick people better.”

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, “What does your dad do?”

Walter replies, “My dad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.”

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

Joke

 

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too  loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she  found 3 roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged,  she immediately calls  in the doctor.  'I thought I asked you not
To tell  anyone about my  operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
That the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad  because you went through  this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse  She assisted me  in the surgery and
Empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He  wanted to thank you for
His new ears.'

 

 

Top Ten Dirty Lawyer Sayings

The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last
minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be
good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one
he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

Cristal Conners As Sarah Palin

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

Ljóskubrandari fyrir konur !!

 
  
 Tveir starfsmenn spilavítis stóðu við spilaborð þegar ákaflega
Hugguleg ljóska kom aðsvífandi og kvaðst ætla að veðja 20.000 dollurum á eitt númer í borðinu. "Ég vona að ykkur sé sama" sagði ljóskan, "en ég er alltaf heppnari þegar ég er nakin" og þar með svipti hún sig klæðum, studdi á spilahnapp og skrækti "nú er lag, mig vantar ný föt!"
Síðan hoppaði hún hæð sína og hrópaði
"Yes, yes, ég VANN, ÉG VANN!", þreif fötin sín ásamt öllum peningunum sem voru á borðinu og hvarf á braut.
Gjafararnir störðu undrandi hvor á annan, að endingu gat annar
þeirra  stunið upp: "Á hvaða tölu veðjaði hún?"
Hinn svaraði: "Það veit ég ekki, varst þú ekki að fylgjast með því?"
 
LÆRDÓMUR: Ljóskur eru ekki allar heimskar, EN karlmenn eru og
verða KARLMENN!