No Country for McLovin

Cheating Husband

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"

This is funny... Enjoy!

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their
first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim
 Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the
 boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him
to safety.

 Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
 the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
 
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,
 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
 born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass'.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

J

Tvær byttur, Bogi og Örvar, vöknuðu í húsasundi, alveg að drepast úr
brennivínsþrá, málið var bara að aleigan var hundrað og fimmtíukall.
Heyrðu ég er með frábæra hugmynd sagði Örvar,hann fór og keypti sér pylsu fyrir allan peninginn þeirra, fór svo og
dró Boga á næsta bar og pantaði fullt að drekka handa þeim.
Þegar að þeir voru búnir með drykkina sáu þeir barþjóninn stefna að þeim með reikninginn,
Örvar brást snöggur við og setti pylsuna í buxnaklaufina hjá Boga og byrjaði að totta pylsuna,
þegar að barþjónninn kom að þeim varð hann alveg brjálaður, "DRULLIÐ YKKUR ÚT HELVÍTIS HOMMA ÓGEÐ" öskraði hann á þá.
Þeir stukku upp og hlupu út, án þess að þurfa að borga. Bragðið heppnaðist alveg jafn vel á næsta bar,og næsta, og næsta, og næsta. Í raun heppnaðist þetta svo vel að þegar að þeir skriðu á staðinn sinn í húsasundinu voru þeir alveg á rassgatinu.
"Þarna sérðu hvað maður getur gert með einni pylsu" sagði Örvar.
Þá skellihló Bogi "HAHAHAHAHA, við týndum pylsunni eftir þriðja barinn"

Rabbi In A Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Bob Marley skit

Adopted

Blender

Get Along

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes and pissing in cokes

The Mime And The Lion

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"