I'm On Setanta Sports 1st November 2008

SNL

McCain og Palin í SNL

Obama enn með forskot

A radio station in Ireland

A radio station in Ireland ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.
The final four were:
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing
Daddy's willy last night'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.
 
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride  down to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
 
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX
SUPERSIZE'.
But it got worse.
Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his
voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'

1st Place
And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Irish University , during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
sugar?'
The professor responded, 'yes, that's correct', adding some statistical data to his lecture.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red and, as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another
word walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question:
'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.

The Office - Joker halloween costume

Emergency Landing

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"

Kóngurlóahrekkur

Quack

A bloke who is not feeling well goes to see the Quack.    The doc checks
him over, and says, 'Sorry mate, but you have Yellow 24, an untreatable
virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours
to live…There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your
final precious moments on earth.'
 
So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news.    Distraught, she asks
him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea
of a night out; as he's never been there before.
 
He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £350, and then gets any
line and wins £3200.    He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand.
    The National Grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.
 
The Bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says:
 
 'Son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4
corners,
any line, full house & the National Grid - I've never met anyone so
lucky.'
 
‘Lucky?' he screamed, ‘Lucky? I'll have you know I've got
Yellow 24.'
 
 'Stone me' says the Bingo Caller, 'You've won the raffle as
well!'

Skondnar myndir

Memories From Court

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."