Birds And Bees

 

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Choosing a wife.

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then.........

he married the one with the biggest tits...

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Jói bóndi

  

Jói bóndi var að stefna flutningafyrirtæki fyrir meiðsl sem hann hlaut í slysi við einn af bílum þess.

Fyrir rétti var lögfræðingur fyrirtækisins að spyrja hann spjörunum úr: "Sagðirðu ekki, á vettvangi slyssins að það amaði ekkert að þér?"

"Jú," segir Jói, "en þannig var að ég var að setja Bessý, uppáhalds merina mína……………"

"Ég var ekki að biðja þig að fara út í smáatriðin," greip lögmaðurinn fram í. "Svaraðu bara spurningunni."

"Já, ég var búinn að setja Bessý inn í bílinn og var að keyra………………"

"Geturðu ekki svarað spurningunni?

Ég bað þig að svara einfaldri spurningu svo við gætum komist til botns í þessu máli.

Sagðirðu ekki að það amaði ekkert að þér eftir slysið?

Háttvirtur dómari, þessi maður sagði við lögreglumann á vettvangi slyssins að það amaði ekkert að sér, en nú, nokkrum mánuðum síðar, stefnir hann skjólstæðingi mínum á þeim forsendum að hann hafi stórslasast.

Ég held að hann sé svindlari. Viltu vinsamlega biðja hann að svara spurningu minni með já eða nei."

En dómarinn hafði áhuga á sögunni hans Jóa um merina. "Ég er forvitinn að vita hvernig merin kemur inn í þetta, segðu söguna Jói."

"Nú, eins og ég var að segja þá er ég kominn með merina upp í bílinn minn og var að keyra eftir veginum, áleiðis norður, þegar þessi flutningabíll kemur aðvífandi og skellur inn í hliðina á mér.

Nú, ég kastast út úr bílnum og út í skurð og merin kastast enn lengra og ofan í annan skurð.

Ég ligg þarna stórslaður og heyri merina veina af kvölum þegar ég heyri skothvell og síðan ekkert meir fyrr en lögreglumaður kemur að mér og segir:

"Merin var svo illa slösuð að ég varð að skjóta hana,..... hvernig líður þér?"

On A Lonely Island

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

Holy Water

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Krakkarnir skammast

Marital Troubles

Bill Maher

Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Góður