Playing Roulette

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

The Special One on Setanta Sports

When Will I Die?

Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

U suck

Club Championship

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing
in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She
takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses,
they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,

"I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was
much harder!".

DL

Love For 365 Days

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
15 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said you weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.
1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36 times you didn't come home at all.
21 times you didn't cum.
33 times you came too soon.
19 times you went soft before you got in.
38 times you worked too late.
10 times you got cramps in your toes.
29 times you had to get up early to play golf.
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.
4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2 times you had a splinter in your finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Photo on the Night Stand

 

   

After a long night of making love,

 

the guy notices a photo of another man,

 

on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

 

"Is this your husband?"

 

he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly,"

 

she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend, then?"

 

he continues.

 

"No, not at all,"

 

she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?"

 

he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"

she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"

 

he demands.

 

She whispers in his ear

 

"That's me before the surgery."

Verður maður ekki bara að hlæja að þessu öllu saman?!...

  

Maður í loftbelg sá að hann var að missa hæð. Hann tók eftir konu á jörðinni, lækkaði flugið aðeins meira og kallaði til hennar: "Afsakið, geturðu hjálpað mé? Ég lofaði að hitta vin minn fyrir klukkutíma, en veit ekki hvar ég er."

Konan svaraði: "Þú ert í loftbelg sem svífur í 10 metra hæð, milli 40. og 41. Norðlægrar breiddargráðu og milli 59. og 60. Vestlægrar lengdargráðu."

"Þú hlýtur að vinna við tölvur", sagði loftbelgsmaðurinn.

"Það geri ég", svaraði konan. "Hvernig vissirðu það?"

"Nú", svaraði maðurinn, "allt sem þú sagðir mér er tæknilega rétt, en ég hef ekki hugmynd um hvaða gagn er af þeim upplýsingum, og reyndar er ég enn villtur. Satt að segja þá hefur ekki verið mikil hjálp frá þér. Ef eitthvað er þá hefurðu helst tafið ferð mína."

"Konan svaraði: Þú hlýtur að vinna við stjórnun."

"Já", sagði maðurinn. "En hvernig vissir þú það?"

"Nú", sagði konan, "þú vissir hvorki hvar þú ert né hvert þú ert að fara. Eintómt loft hefur komið þér þangað upp sem þú ert. Þú gafst loforð sem þú hefur ekki hugmynd um hvernig á að efna og þú ætlast til þess að fólk fyrir neðan þig leysi þín vandamál. Reyndar ertu í sömu stöðu og þegar við hittumst, en nú er það einhvern veginn mín sök."

 

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