Hot and Cold

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the
doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor
than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Andele Andele

Ef ég væri köttur

hehehe

Social Security

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

New Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Blonde Kidnapping

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a
tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan
tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that
said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Hinn Fullkomini glæpur

Neyðarlegt

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"