Gömlu hjónin kunna að bjarga sér

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

Spaug

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday  
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his  
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring. The old man said,'No, I'd like to see something  
more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and  
brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000'  
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with  
excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,  

'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll  
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds  
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.There's no money in  
that account.'


'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
 All Seniors Aren't Senile.

You Were Warned

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!"

ég hef nú hrist sjálfsala en þetta toppar allt

Hik

Aunt Karen's Moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

Innköst í knattspyrnu geta verið fjári fyndin

The Special One

Terry tryggði Englendingum sigur í Berlín - Persie með tvö fyrir Holland

? : )

 

Íslenski sjávarútvegsráðherrann

Íslenski sjávarútvegsráðherrann hitti svissneska kollega sinn og spurði hann af hverju Svisslendingar væru með sjávarútvegsráðherra það væri jú engin sjór í kringum Swiss.  Svissneski ráðherrann svaraði með annarri spurningu: "Hvað eruð þið að gera með fjármálaráðherra?"

Krónunni verði leyft að falla