Leeds fans managed to steal an ITV microphone and get a good chant of “ITV is f*cking sh*t”

Beer Masters

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A Human Car Performance

 

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

The Special One

Manchesterslagur í dag

Tal klukk

A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.

He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?" The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."

So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"

Flower Curse

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

Bankamannabrandari

   Bankamaðurinn

Dag einn var frægi bankamaðurinn í bílferð í stóru flottu limmósínunni
sinni þegar að hann sér allt í einu 2 menn við veginn borðandi gras. Hann
bað bílstjórann um að stoppa og steig áhyggjufullur út úr stóru flottu
limmósínunni og gekk til annars mannsins og spurði hann af hverju þeir
væru eiginlega að borða gras?

Greyið maðurinn svaraði að það væri vegna þess að þeir ættu ekki pening
til ad kaupa mat og því þyrftu þeir að borða grasið.

Bankamaðurinn varð hissa og svaraði að maðurinn ætti að koma með sér heim
til sín í glæsihúsið og að hann mundi sjá til þess ad gefa fátæka manninum
að borða.

En fátæki maðurinn svaraði þá að hann gæti ekki komið því hann ætti konu og

2 börn og benti svo í átt til trés sem var þar skammt frá þar sem konan og
börnin átu einnig gras.

Bankamaðurinn sagði honum að auðvitað kæmu konan og börnin með.

Bankamaðurinn snéri sér svo að hinum manninum og spurði hvers vegna hann
borðaði gras en sá hafði sömu sögu að segja og sá fyrri.

Bankamaðurinn bauð honum því med því nóg pláss var í stóru flottu
limmósínunni.

Maðurinn þakkaði fyrir sig en sagðist því miður ekki geta komið því hann
ætti konu og 6 börn en bankamaðurinn bauð þeim að koma með líka.

Þegar að allur hópurinn var kominn upp í stóru flottu limmósínuna og þau
lögð af stað í glæsihúsið ákvað annar maðurinn að þakka fyrir sig.

"kæri bankamaður, þú ert greinilega góður maður!"



bankamaðurinn svaraði þá:



Þú þarft ekkert að þakka mér.. þetta var alveg sjálfsagt. Ykkur á eftir að
líka vel heima hjá mér því GRASIÐ ER ÖRUGGLEGA ALVEG 20 CM HÁTT!



Hvað lærum við af þessari sögu??



Ef þú heldur að bankamaður sé að reyna að hjálpa þér.. hugsaðu þig tvisvar
um!

Þessi er búin að fá nóg af fréttum

Playing Golf

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."