Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

New Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.
He sadly shakes his head and says, "Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Teamsters

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"


"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."


"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."


Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."


The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."


"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85
year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

8

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Mapple - The Simpsons

Mapple - The Simpsons
by aarplane

Face-Lifting Death

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

Star Wars vs Star Trek

Tíu skýringar sem hægt er að gefa þegar yfirmaðurinn kemur að manni sofandi við skrifborðið:

10. Þær sögðu mér í blóðbankanum að þetta gæti gerst. 

9. Þetta er bara korters orkublundur eins og sagt var frá á stjórnunarnámskeiðinu sem þú sendir mig á. 

8. VÁ! Ég gleymdi að setja tappann aftur á Tipp-exið. Þú hefur líklega komið rétt á elleftu stundu. 

7. Ég var ekki sofandi! Ég var að íhuga verkefnaviðmiðin og úthugsa nýjan rannsóknarramma. 

6. Ég var að prófa nýju slef-vörnina á lyklaborðinu mínu. 

5. Ég var í flókinni Jóga-æfingu til að losa mig við streituvald sem orsakast af vinnu-umhverfi mínu. 

4. Fjárinn, af hverju varstu að trufla mig? Ég var rétt að finna lausnina á stærsta vandamáli fyrirtækisins. 

3. Kaffivélin er biluð... 

2. Það hefur einhver sett koffínlaust kaffi í vélina. 

1. ... Í Jesú nafni, amen.

Cooking by the Book" A Lil' Bigger Mix by Mastgrr LAZYTOWN

Góður !!