woman & computer

Similiarity between a woman and a computer!
Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy

Leyndardómar langlífis?

 

Læknir var á morgungöngu sinni og tók eftir mjög fallegri gamalli konu sem sat fyrir framan húsið sitt og reykti stórsígar...

 

Hann gekk að henni og sagði: ,, Ég tók eftir því að þú ert svo hamingjusöm og ánægð á svipinn...Hvað er ,, Leyndarmálið"  þitt? Hvernig heldurðu þér svona vel?"
 
  

 ,,Ég reyki tíu vindla á dag, sagði hún, áður en ég fer að sofa reyki ég eina jónu, stóra og góða...Þar að auki drekk ég eina pottflösku af Jack Daniels á viku og ég ét ekkert nema skyndibita, franskar og kleinuhringi.... Um helgar fer ég á 800 BAR , næ mér í gæja og berhátta hann heima í rúmi...tek reglulega vel á honum en það er líka eina hreyfingin sem ég fæ..

 

 

,,Þetta er ótrúlegt! Hvað ertu eiginlega gömul?" spurði læknirinn agndofa...

 

 

,,Tuttugu og fjögra" , svaraði hún...

Gott með jólaföndrinu.

Pólskt jólaglögg.

1 líter vodka
1 rúsína.

Skreytt með greni.
-----------------------------------------------------

Svo syngja allir:

Skín í væna vínflösku,
og huggulega bjóra,
jólaglögg og eplasnafs
allt það ætl´að þjóra.
Dufla og daðra og leika mér
látum illa í desember
burt með sokk og skó
hér af víni er nóg.
Ó, hvað ég elska jólin,
von´eg hitti á stólinn.

Turn Off Clinton

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

Það er svo gaman að sjá SCUMTIC tapa

Lv02.mpg - video powered by Metacafe

Boyfriend Gone Wrong

This guy has been dating a girl for 4 months now.
She calls him up one day and tells him: "Paul you have to meet my parents. We have been going out for like 4 months". He agrees... The day he agrees to meet her family,he is having some MAJOR gas! The whole drive to her parents house he is letting off some bombs, and he's thinking to himself: PLEASE let this gas go away.
He gets to her parents house, she walks him into the living area. "Daddy,this is Paul".. they shake hands. "Mom,this is Paul". They hug. The mother and the girlfriend go get dinner ready. Paul and the father are sitting on the couch having conversation. He soooo cant pay any attention to really what the father is saying cause he has some MAJOR gas. He thinks to himself: I'm gonna let out just a tiny one.
So he does, he didnt smell nothing and their dog is at his feet, so he figures the father will think it is the dog. The father didnt look at him any different. He thought OH COOL MAN, maybe i get rid of my stomach ache. So time passes and Paul has been letting out some silent "little friends". The whole time that he has been letting go of some gas he was petting the dog to get it to stay at his feet, so the father will think its the dog stinkin'. So he lets out this one which burns his ass.
The father looked up with this weird look on his face and say "JAKE Boy, you better move before that kid shits on you".

A family is at the dinner table.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Er þér illt ?

CUSSING 101

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Robin Williams live on stage