Maður einn

Maður einn sat á barnum í Terminal 3 á Heathrow flugvelli og sá afar fallega konu setjast við hliðina á sér. Hann hugsaði strax með sér "Hún hlýtur að vera flugfreyja, hjá hvaða flugfélagi skyldi hún fljúga?" ... 

Í von um að hann kæmist að því datt honum í hug að rifja upp einhver slagorð erlendra flugfélaga. Hann hallaði sér að henni og hvíslaði "Love to fly and it shows". Konan leit á hann skil...ningslaus og hann hugsaði með sér, "nei, ekki vinnur hún hjá Delta" 

Hann hamaðist í huganum og hallaði sér svo aftur að konunni og sagði lágt "Something special in the Air"? Konan starði aftur á hann og nú með enn meiri undrun í andlitinu. Maðurinn strikaði Singapor Air strax af listanum í huganum. 

Hann hugsaði sig um smástund, kannski vinnur hún hjá Thai Air. Hann hallaði sér enn að henni og sagði " Smooth as silk"?  

Þá loks svaraði sú fagra hvasst "What the f##k do you want"? 

Maðurinn hallaði sér aftur í stólnum og sagði...."Ahh, Iceland Express"!! 

Jimmy Kimmel vs Ellen DeGeneres Nice Off

Diary of a Pommie in Western Australia

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA


 
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday..
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!
Kind regards,

Roy

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

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Nonni 5 aur

 

Eins og venjulega, fór Eddi snemma í háttinn, kyssti konuna góða nótt og steinsofnaði. Seinna um nóttina vaknar hann og sér gamlan mann inn í svefnherberginu, klæddan í hvítan kufl.
"Hvað í anskotanum ertu að gera í svefnherberginu mínu?" segir Eddi reiður.
"Þetta er ekki svefnherbergið þitt," segir maðurinn, "þú ert kominn til himna og ég er Lykla-Pétur."
"HVAÐ!? Ertu að segja að ég sé dauður? Ég......... vil ekki deyja.. ég er allt of ungur og á eftir að gera svo margt," segir Eddi. "Ef ég er dauður, þá vil ég að þú sendir mig til baka á stundinni!"
"Það er nú ekki svo einfalt," svarar Pétur. "Þú getur aðeins snúið til baka sem hestur eða hæna. Eða haldið áfram að vera dauður auðvitað."
Eddi hugsaði um þetta í nokkrar mínútur og komst að því að það er örugglega ekkert auðvelt líf að vera hestur, úti að hlaupa allan daginn með einhvern á bakinu, svo af tvennu illu þá væri líklega betra að snúa aftur sem hæna. Það væri ábyggilega letilíf.
"Ég vil snúa aftur sem hæna..." og samstundis var Eddi kominn í hænsakofa, með fallegar fjaðrir og allar græjur. En almáttugur hvað honum var illt í afturendanum. Það var eins og hann væri að springa!
Þá kemur haninn..
"Hæ, þú hlýtur að vera ný hérna. Hvernig hefurðu það?"
"Allt í lagi býst ég við," svarar Eddi, "en mér finnst eins og rassinn á mér sé að springa!"
"Þú ert bara að fara að verpa. Hefurðu aldrei verpt áður?"
"Nei, hvernig geri ég það?"
"Gaggaðu tvisvar og þrýstu svo af öllu afli," svarar haninn. Og Eddi gaggar tvisvar og rembist svo eins og hann eigi lífið að leysa. Skömmu síðar liggur hans fyrsta egg á gólfinu. "Vá!" segir Eddi, "þetta var meiriháttar!" Svo hann gaggar aftur tvisvar og byrjaði að rembast og eitt egg í viðbót liggur á gólfinu.
Þegar hann gaggar í þriðja sinn heyrir hann konuna sína öskra: "Vaknaðu Eddi, í öllum bænum. Þú ert búinn að skíta út um allt rúm!"

An old woman was sipping a glass of wine

An old woman was sipping a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

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