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Star
"Stars Without Makeup!"
This is just 10 pages of pre-holiday filler. Without makeup Jessica Simpson "looks like a completely different person," Jennifer Garner "looks like she's neglecting herself," and Kate Gosselin has the "look of exhaustion" all over her face We preferred Us's gallery of humiliation, which was presented in one spread without catty commentary. Moving on: Jude Law and Sienna Miller had a pregnancy scare. Jude is such a gentlemen that he allowed Sienna to pee on a stick in his home, but it was a false alarm. A source claims there is a baby on the way for Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming. Bruce's rep said he's not aware of a pregnancy, but didn't exactly deny it. FYI: Don't view  if you're eating. Hailey Glassman is dating Celebrity Boxing Federation promoter Damon Feldman, who says, "She's been very friendly. She's very classy." The phrase "Hailey get your pants on!" comes to mind. Obvious Blind item: Which closeted male celeb drew the suspicions of his A-list costar when he was just not that into their love scenes? She'd never met a straight man with no interest in her goods! Kim Kardashian has been looking at engagement rings with Reggie Bush. Her only requirement? That it be bigger that her sister Khloe's nine carat ring. "Khloe beat Kim to the altar, but Kim will beat her with the size of the ring," says a source. Audrina Patridge told her friends that she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they just laughed. One of Bret Michaels' hair extensions fell out while he was recording with Miley Cyrus. She saved the grungy lock and may frame it. In other news, Britney Spears called Kevin Federline in tears to canceled a visit with her boys because Jason Trawick demanded that they spend time together. Brit was so upset that she called off their engagement, which she pushed Jason into in the first place. Tiger Woods' "No. 1 mistress" Rachel Uchitel has been telling friends that she's two weeks late. She told Tiger and an insider says it "it scared the hell out of him" because "Rachel being pregnant could actually make his nightmare a whole lot worse." Rachel has been bragging to friends, saying that she sees having a "cub" with Tiger "as her meal ticket." Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt's' help, but Star writes, "in the meantime, she's sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood." The mag claims she's dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen's holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later "Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party." Finally, "Jersey Shore Drug Scandal!" In an interview with her local paper, Jenny "J-WOWW" Farley admits the guys on the show are "heavily into steroids... injecting whatever it could be into their system that will make them bigger and better looking." But, it's much worse than we suspected: The kids are also injecting self-tanner. J-WOWW says the girls take human growth hormone and "they inject tanner into their bodies... just like steroids, to get the perfect color skin. I've seen people go far beyond the extremes that were portrayed on the show."

Us
"Elin's Revenge"
Everyone at Us must have had visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads all week because the only new information in this story about Elin Nordegren divorcing Tiger Woods is this dud of a quote from her twin sister Josefin Nordegren: "It's been difficult because it's not something we can deal with in private... But we are doing our best." Snore. In other news, Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who's "so lonely." Angie's sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as "Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around," which makes it sound like she's a mom-brain craving zombie.

In Touch
"REVENGE PREGNANCY"
For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a "telltale bump" [of fabric] and sources say she's three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad's plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They've been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendez-vous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was "like their relationship had never ended," but someone from In Touch writes: "She wouldn't reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter," which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie "will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara's 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend." Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter? Also plotting against her man: Britney Spears. She wants Jason Trawick to propose to her for real, not just on the cover of numerous tabloids, so she's been wearing five wedding rings to give him the hint In strangely plausible news, In Touch claims that Tiger Woods is still hooking up his mistress Rachel Uchitel (she was on the receiving end of the most romantic of Tiger's dirty texts.) Rachel recently left her New York apartment and headed to Florida. She says she's spending the holidays with relatives, but she's been spotted out and about in the Florida town where Tiger's yacht is docked. A friend says, "They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke." Check out "Before They Were Famous," a.k.a. stars' original noses Also, this may shock you, but Lady Gaga wasn't born wearing a see-through lace body-stocking Next: A-Rod has been purposely playing the victim in the press since his breakup with Kate Hudson, and he made sure he was photographed looking glum on the night of the New York premiere of Nine. "His behavior really calls into question how authentic he was in the relationship to begin with," says clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers. Really?! In "Weight Winners and Losers of the Year," we learn that Kelly Clarkson is a "loser" because she's gained weight and "seems more comfortable in her skin now than she was during her midriff-baring days on American Idol." We'll shame you yet, Kelly!