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"How I Lost 10 Lbs In 10 Days."
Margaret found this story offensive. Here's how it starts: "Until recently, it seemed you couldn't have a strawberry festival or a chili cook-off without Jessica Simpson showing up to take the stage…" Sources say that Jess has "already peeled off" 10 pounds in ten days. And the story is called her "revenge bikini diet." The mag says "She doesn't want to be an even larger target" and "she doesn't want to play the role of pitiful plump punchline any longer." OH GOD. Then the story turns into an ad for Harley Pasternak's fitness plan. Next: The subhead on this Gosselin story reads: "As her husband Jon sows his oats with two 20-something blondes, a shocked Kate braves her public humiliation with quiet dignity." Ay yi yi. Also, didn't he already sow some oats, like 8 of them? Anyway, he might appear on Celebrity Apprentice; Kate might get hair extensions and plastic surgery. "Is Rebbie Right For Michael's Kids?" Apparently Janet Jackson did some "soul-searching" and decided to pass on being the "mom" of Paris, Prince and Blanket. Rebbie is the most down-to-earth of the Jacksons, is very stable and has been married to her high school sweetheart for 40 years. The bad news: She lives in Las Vegas, and so does Joe Jackson. Oh, look! A made-up story about Jennifer Aniston: She invited Gerard Butler to lunch in her trailer on the set of their movie and "calmly" said, "let's just be friends." Lastly: You know how it was a big deal that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart woud see each other at Comic-Con, and there were supposed to be "steamy nights"? Kristen told a friend she hugged Rob but it felt awkward. Boo.
Grade: F (poked with a dirty syringe)

In Touch
"Exclusive: My Dream Wedding."
Well, the cover is a big lie: It says: "Summer's gorgeous brides share intimate details about their big day." Yet! The magazine did not speak to Penelope Cruz, Rachel Bilson, Anne Hathaway, or any other women in the feature. And more than half of the ladies are not engaged. The magazine speaks to wedding experts from wedding TV shows and wedding dress designers, and then whips up sketches of dresses, floral arrangements and possible honeymoon destinations for each celebrity — using an old quote to hammer home the point. For instance, Anne Hathaway once said, "I'm not the sort of girl who dreams about her wedding," and that's what is used here. It's boring and stoopid, says Margaret. Moving on: "Brad's Furious: Angelina Takes Maddox To Iraq." She was on a UN Goodwill Mission, though, you know? A 7-year-old is probably okay. Once the news broke that Jon Gosselin was dating both Hailey Glassman and Kate Major, he had a "rough day trying to calm both of them down. It was dramatic." Hailey's brother Sean was overheard saying: "He seemed like such a nice guy… but he was two-timing her with that blonde reporter girl." Since In Touch has been claiming that Jon and Hailey were engaged, now they're saying that his proposal was "drunk and impulsive." In "Hollywood Body Watch," we learn "Who's Up Who's Down," meaning: Weight. Tyra Banks is down, Jessica Alba is down, Hilary Duff is up. Avril Lavigne was seen partying on the French Riviera with oil heir Brandon Davis while her husband was in Las Vegas. Is she having an affair? Mischa Barton can't go to rehab, because she'd violate her contract with CW show The Beautiful Life, so she's in an outpatient program and has a sober companion instead. A "friend" says: "She thinks it's silly, but she doesn't have a choice." Lastly: In "The Secret Ways Stars Hook Up," we learn that John Mayer leaves his guitar by his bed, so that when he gives ladies a tour of the house, he can stop and play "Your Body Is A Wonderland." Plus: Bad pick-up lines (Fig. 1)!
Grade: D-, downgraded to F+ for lame cover story (rotting meat covered with maggots)

Life & Style
"Kim's Heartbreak."
Hmm, since the breakup was mutual, why is it only Kim's heartbreak? Anyway, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush couldn't make it work because long distance relationships are hard. "Kim's sad, but she's diving into work," says a friend. Tragically, 28-year-old Kim once said "I want to be a mom before I'm 30." So she'd better get on that. Moving on: Jon Gosselin has been spending all of the family's money (Fig 2). He bought $900 shoes; his rent is $5,000 a month; he bought a $50,000 BMW and spent $400 on dinner with Michael Lohan. Priorities! Kourtney Kardashian says: "I finally love my boob job." Eight years ago, she says, "I wanted to go back to school with new boobs. I was so dumb." Luckily, now, she likes her C cups. In "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed!" We learn that Blake Lively's defect is that she is "tall"; Isla Fisher's problem is that she is "petite," and Kate Bosworth's issue is that she is "boyish." Plus, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who has spoken openly about her anorexia and bulimia, is deemed "pear-shaped." Margaret likes the "before" on 3 out of 4 of these damn "fixes." Also: THESE PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE FLAWS. (Fig. 3) Lastly: Amy Winehouse's courtroom sketch was pretty much the best thing in this issue (Fig. 4).
Grade: F+ (food teeming with flies)

Us
"Jessica's Nightmare: The Other Woman."
The "other woman" is named Natalie Smith and she is the daughter of an athletic director from Eastern Illinois University, where Tony Romo went to school. Tony has known her and her parents for years — they're family friends — but days after dumping Jessica Simpson, he flew Smith to Dallas for a "three-day rendez-vous" at his home. "They're not officially dating, but they have an intimate relationship," says a source. Smith says: "Honestly, this is crazy. We have always been friends and there is nothing else to it." Tony's rep denies any affair. Jessica Simpson's weight was one of the reasons they broke up, though: When the media would say things about Jess's body, Tony would say "well you do look a little pudgy." Next: Jon Gosselin's "friend" Kate Major calls Michael Lohan her "second dad." Naturally, Lindsay Lohan has something to say about that: "Yuck. She and my dad, like, lied to me and stuff." Wait, what? Be more specific! Anyway, kids' clothing maker HealthTex decided to pull products Kate Gosselin had endorsed, but one shipment went out to Midwestern Wal-Marts. Next, there's a six-page interview and photoshoot with Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets — including what the inside of her refrigerator looks like — but it's SO BORING. She does have a book coming out, though. When does she have time to write? By the by, 26 across in the Gosselin Crossword is "I did not ____ Kate." Lastly, we're loving these old yearbook photos — did Kendra have a nose job? (Fig. 5)
Grade: D- (used condoms)

Star
"The Real Story."
Kate Major, who up until recently, worked for Star, and maybe still does, tells Star how she met Jon Gosselin, and how she felt "pangs of guilt" when he interview Jon and Hailey, since she was attracted to Jon and later went out to dinner with him and then to the Hamptons with him and Michael Lohan. In any case, Kate says "I think we have a future together," and seems to think that Jon will break up with Hailey and stay with her. Moving on: Michael Cera broke up with Charlene Yi, his girlfriend of 3 years — she is 33; he is 21. They're just starting a promotional push for Paper Heart, so that should be interesting. Kevin Federline cheated on Victoria Prince — he and his brother rented a yacht and picked up "a bunch of hotties" to party with; then took the ladies back to K-Fed's house, "where things got really wild." Brad Pitt travels with his own toilet seat, because it grosses him out to not know used the bathroom before him. Kirsten Dunst has been sending flirty text messages to Robert Pattinson; she thinks he would be the ideal boyfriend. She needs to get in line behind like, a million Twihards. Blind item! "Which blonde former teen singing-acting sensation hooked up with a woman twice his age? Even though he's young, his cougar fling is bragging that he was experienced beyond his years." Jessica Simpson and Kenny Chesney were both at the same crowded beach party in Florida on 4th of July, and since Jessica sat next to him for a second and spoke to him the magazine calls it a "PUBLIC AFFAIR." Next there's this picture they're using for a story called "Brad & Angelina's Bitter Blowout" which is really a shot of Brad & Angie in the car asking the kids what they want at the drive through at McDonald's. And if you read carefully, the text supports that, too. Lastly: In "What A Difference A Year Makes," the mag estimates that Alanis Morissette has put on 20 lbs. and Hilary Duff has gained 45 lbs.
Grade: D- (decomposing vegetables)