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Ok!
"Obsessed With Each Other."
He's is in New York shooting Remember Me and she's is in L.A. shooting The Runaways, but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are constantly calling and texting each other. Rob invited Kristen and new BFF Dakota Fanning to come and hang out with him in NY one weekend — his treat. An insider says of Kristen's boyfriend Michael Angarano: "While Dakota likes Michael, and he's really sweet to her, she's on Team Rob." Yet! Michael isn't ready to give up on Kristen — he is "re-romancing" her and wrote her a song, which he played to her on his guitar. Lastly: Has Britney met Mr. Right? Her agent, Jason Trawick is "fiercely protective" of her, but another insider says Jason only hangs around Brit because he's protecting his investment. "Britney's dad pays him a lot of money," says a source.
Grade: F (cigarette burn)

Life & Style
"It's Official! Yes, We're Dating."
Interesting cover line, since at no point in this magazine does either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart say that they are dating. In fact, there's anecdote about Rob hanging out and going back to his hotel with Emilie de Ravin. (She's in Remember Me, so they're probably staying at the same hotel, but whatever.) Moving on: Katie Holmes is "pushing Tom aside" by focusing on her dancing. "Dancing for her is about independence," an insider says. "She needs to keep life interesting." Miley Cyrus has dumped Justin Gaston for Nick Jonas, who is a better choice because he wears clothes (Fig. 1). Denise Richards tells the mag "Why I Had Three Boob Jobs." She went from an A cup to a C to a double D and now down to a B — her first surgery was in 1991 when she was only 19. She says, "I wish I'd waited. I wish I hadn't done it. There are so many things that enhance your chest these days without surgery." She talks about scar tissue and implant hardness and says she doesn't like to be put under — well why would you have elective surgery? Anyway she still has implants, they're just smaller, and "fit her body." You know what else would fit her body? The ones she was meant to have. Next: Kate of Jon & Kate fame is caught on camera hitting (spanking) her daughter. Horrors! Kate says (through a Bravo rep): "Whether the paparazzi are there or not, I am a mother first… I love my children, and when they misbehave, I discipline them as I deem appropriate for the situation." Also inside: Gisele is three months pregnant. Oh, look: A picture of Megan Fox before she was famous (Fig. 2). Kristin Cavallari admits that The Hills is pretty fake: "When the cameras are rolling, its fun to play it up," she says: "I'm having a good time playing the part — but I really do think of myself as a good person." This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook (Fig. 3), it's "Whose Nose Fits Her Face Best?" Kate Hudson's nose "would look cuter" with Carrie Underwood's tip. Fergie's nose "could use some slimming." The funny thing is that both of these ladies probably  already had work done, right? Lastly: Don't miss the "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed" pages, in which "flaws" include "pear-shaped," "tall," and "athletic."
Grade: D (punching in stomach)

In Touch
"Caught Hitting Her Daughter."
Exclusive photos! Kate Gosselin smacked her kid on the bottom. She was on the phone and Leah was blowing her whistle and Kate told her to stop — Kate said "Did you hear me?" stormed over, grabbed the kid and then "hit" her. Then "Leah grabbed her bottom in pain." Then there's a sidebar pictures illustrating how Kate is always distracted by her phone. "Kate might be too selfish to take care of all these kids," says a child psychiatrist who does not treat anyone involved. The mag talks to someone from Project No Spank, and you guess what they think. Next: A six-page story titled "Bad Plastic Surgery — Fixed?" Britney Spears had her implants too soon and regretted it! Jessica Simpson used "that Restylane stuff" and her lips were too big! Heather Locklear was puffy; Madonna's cheek implants gave her a "sucking on a lemon" look. (Fig. 4). In Brangelinaston news, Brad Pitt went to Jennifer Aniston's house because he has a "passion for architecture" and wanted to check it out. Jen "may have had ulterior motives," though, because when Brad showed up, Jen emailed a friend saying, "He's here! Wish me luck!" Jen showed Brad around and "babbled nonstop" about the windows and details. "Sensing she was nervous, Brad touched her shoulder and said warmly, 'This place is fantastic.'" Then they chatted about "everything and nothing." According to the mag, "She told him that she missed him, and he told her that they'll make up for all the time they've lost over the last few years." WAIT, WHAT? LOL. He also told her he loved her, but "said it like friend." "But it still made Jen's stomach drop." Moving on: LeAnn Rimes has told her husband that she's ready to file for divorce. Katie Holmes "Can't Get Out Of Her Style Rut," (Fig. 5). A therapist named Dr. Wanis, who does not treat Katie, says: "When a woman dresses down, she isn't feeling good about herself. There has to be something missing in her life." Hear that? If you're wearing jeans and a knit hat, your life is incomplete!
Grade: D+ (slapping face)

Us
"The Hills Made Me Bulimic."
This is a tragic tale of how Stephanie Pratt started bingeing and purging once she was on the show. She says: "I thought, the camera adds ten pounds, I need to lose ten pounds… I became obsessed with spray-tanning because I thought being tan made you look thinner… I would wake up in a good mood, and I would try to eat thin —" this involved eating balsamic vinegar and drinking water with cayenne pepper — "and then I would read some blog." The blogs called her She-Pratt and said she needed to quit the show and go to the gym. Right before The Hills crew would show up, she would eat a pizza, then a grilled cheese and french fries, "I would be sitting in my room stuffing it down, not even tasting it," she says. "And then I'd go and throw up and I'd let them in while I was brushing my teeth. It was the only thing that felt good." She says having pool parties on the show made her self-conscious. "I think it's better to be called too skinny than too fat," she says. "I think fat is one of the most hurtful things you can call a girl." Moving on: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick sleep in the same hotel room when traveling — Jason checks into another room but then sneaks in. Oh, look, Megan Fox's "Crazy Quotes" (Fig. 6). Where have we seen that before? Lastly: Pink and Carey Hart plan on renewing their vows later this year, aww.
Grade: C (spanking bottom)

Star
"Britney Getting Married!"
Britney and Jason were in the Bahamas (with Brit's dad and kids) and Brit and Jason "shared a special night." Jason told Britney that he thought she was The One, and she said she felt the same! Then he popped the question. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne. The mag claims Brit was excited because it's the first time a guy has proposed to her (her other two marriages she instigated.) As a souvenir, Britney kept the champagne bottle — and took a self-portrait photo, so she could always remember just how she felt at that moment. No engagement ring has been picked out, though Jason did buy Brit a quartz ring from the Atlantis gift shop. Brit told him she doesn't care about getting a ring, "she just wants to be his wife." The mag prints wedding plans: Brit is thinking about a December date and wants an old-fashioned Southern wedding in Louisiana. Jamie-Lynn would be the maid of honor and her sons would be ring-bearers. Britney's dad will make Jason sign an air-tight pre-nup, etc. The honeymoon will be in Costa Rica, where Jason and Brit first started falling for each other, and they can use Brit's friend Mel Gibson's house! Moving on: Saved By The Bell 2.0, is kind of a funny sidebar (Fig. 7). Ashlee Simpson was overheard telling a friend that she wouldn't let Bronx get plastic surgery until he's at least 18. "And she said she'd never even tell him about her own, unless he asked directly." Blind item! "Which world-famous hottie will only hook up with women who don't know who he is? At a recent bash, one babe played along, only to be dismissed when she let his real name slip." Emilie de Ravin and Robert Pattinson were spotted in a bar in NYC and "definitely looked like a couple." Neil Patrick Harris and partner David Burtka are in the process of selecting a surrogate mother to carry their baby, and of course, they are using the same agency Sarah Jessica Parker is using! They'll be using Neil's sperm, FYI. Barack Obama has decided to stop coloring his hair. An insider says: "Barack will probably be totally gray by the end of his first term… He thinks it makes him look more distinguished." Kate Gosselin was caught kissing her bodyguard, Steve Neild, by her daughter Mady. While on vacation, Kate thought the kids were asleep, and she and Steve were talking in her bedroom. Mady came to the door and saw them "share a quick, gentle kiss." Mady started crying and ran to tell her sister, Cara. According to the mag, "It was far too much for a child of 8 to process." Next is the Real Houswives Of New Jersey bombshell: Danielle Staub sex tape! She dumped Steve Zalewski in an episode on June 9, and Steve says: "Not only does she want to have sex all the time, but she loves the thrill of doing it in public places where she might get caught. She wanted to make love in restaurant bathrooms basically every time we went out…" One night, Danielle and Steve were in a parking lot next a church. Steve says: "We were making love on the hood of our car, and someone inside the convent started flashing a light on and off from the window and rattling the blinds. Danielle thought it was hilarious and wanted to keep going, but I insisted we split." There are a "couple of videos" of the two performing "a sex act" and playing with sex toys. Steve is weighing his options regarding selling these. "She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?" And! Steve says Danielle's ultimate goal is to pose for Playboy, but "She'll probably have to get her boob job touched up first."
Grade: C+ (sent to bed without dinner)

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Us
"Jon Cheated On Her Birthday."
This story about Jon & Kate Gosselin claims that while Kate was celebrating her "kind of sad" 34th birthday in North Carolina, Jon was partying on the slopes in Park City, Utah. Although he and his "mistress" Deanna Hummel arrived separately, they were inseparable, even the night Jon asked a cocktail waitress to send drinks to a table of girls. "Jon was a dirtball," the waitress enthuses. Added bonus: the mag points out Jon's "fashion disasters." (Fig. 1) Next: "The Curious Case Of Celebrity Buttons" is an examination of stars' navels (Fig. 2). Rihanna has been "flirting" with L.A. Lakers center Andrew Bynum. The script for the Sex And the City sequel is finished, and a "source" whom we're not sure didn't write it says, "It's really, really good!" Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's marriage is on the rocks; they fight constantly and she uses booze to escape the pressures of motherhood. Plus! Ashlee is "very insecure" and complains that Pete is not giving her enough attention, and they rarely have sex anymore, according to a source, "which for them is shocking." Lastly, a feature called "Speidi's Jungle Drama" looks sort like our Comic Confrontations, not that we invented comics or anything (Fig. 3).
Grade: D (name spelled wrong on cake)

In Touch
"Angelina's Birthday Ends In Tears." Apparently Brad Pitt "went through a lot of trouble" for Angelina Jolie's 34th birthday — getting lingerie from Agent Provocateur and a special painting — but a fight erupted when Angie accused Brad of meeting up with Jen in L.A. Also, according to the mag, "The Stress Is Affecting Her Looks." (Fig. 4) Not like she has six kids and a UN assignment or anything. And! The mag prints these sentences: "Meanwhile Jen's working on herself. And she's keeping herself curiously single." Next: Ashlee Simpson is "shrinking" while Jessica is "curvier than ever." A source claims that Ashlee eats fewer than 1,000 calories a day, and an insider spills that Jess eats Southern food — like chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and biscuits — at least twice a week. Dr. Lisa Boesky, a psychologist who does not treat either star, says: "After years in the spotlight and constantly working on being the perfect size, it's healthy for Jessica to accept her body as it is." Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf are taking their "romance" to the "next level"; a friend says they are "hooking up." Kate Gosselin is "obsessed" with plastic surgery; she had a tummy tuck, got her teeth fixed and may have had a boob job, but she still has "lipo-scuplting" on her "wish list." Britney's boyfriend/manager. Jason Trawick, is "serious about his commitment" to the pop star, says a pal. Kate Hudson has introduced her son to her new man, Alex Rodriguez; Madonna is planning on visiting Brazil to meet the family of Jesus Luz. Lastly, Leighton Meester, Patrick Dempsey and Dakota Fanning all look better for their age than Stephanie Pratt, Javier Bardem Jefferey Dean Morgan and Taylor Momsen (Fig. 5).
Grade: D+ (trick candles)

Life & Style
"It's WAR!" Angelina couldn't relax while celebrating her birthday, because she had to "watch her back": Hollywood producer Dan Lin announced that he was planning a new Tomb Raider movie but that Angie is too old! Megan Fox is a "no-brainer," Lin says. A "friend" says Angie is "not thrilled" and "panicking" and "feels that her age is starting to undercut her choice of film roles." Meanwhile, Megan is "doing everything she can to steal Angie's thunder," according to the mag. Next:
In a feature called "Kelly Clarkson: I Love My Body," the mag prints the sentence, "It's normal to gain weight with age." OMG really?!?! This is accompanied by photos of Tyra, Kirstie Alley and Mariah Carey "younger" and "now." Here's a snippet from a story called "Britney Just Wants To Be A Good Mom": "Britney was trying on costumes and [her son] Sean said, 'Mommy, you look beautiful in your make-believe dress,' and she started to cry." Did you know that Life &Style is "Your Twilight Authority"? It says so, on page 34, and also claims that Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend for sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson. Finally! Lastly: This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Chest In Hollywood." No, silly, guys can't play. This is only for the women, like Kate Hudson, who would "look even better with some cleavage. (Fig. 6)"
Grade: C- ("over the hill" gravestone candle on cake)

Star
"Brad & Jen's Secret Hotel Hookup!" In a "blockbuster exclusive," the mag reveals that Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston spent two hours together at 1a.m. in the private roof garden of the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC. She asked about the kids, he asked about her dogs. He also told Jen that Angie is no fun. Moving on: Is Lindsay Lohan engaged? She was seen wearing a ring on that finger when she left London with Sam Ronson. Robert Pattinson's abs are fake (Fig. 7), an on-set source says: "They used all their tricks — including liquid body paint, shading and airbrushing." Blind item! "Which singer/actress has pretty much given up playing it straight? She and a galpal openly sucked face after splitting a bottle of tequila at NYC's Cain Luxe on May 26." Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard had a "private spa weeked" and she was seen putting her head on his shoulder.
Grade: C (fire extinguisher for candles jokes)

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