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Welcome back to Midweek Madness, our roundup for tabloid "news." This week, because Angelina Jolie emerged from her European safehouse and appeared on the red carpet in New York looking fantastic, she is on three of the five weekly covers. Star and Us focus on her physique; Life & Style does a positive "How We Make It Work" relationship story, even though a month ago, the mag claimed Brad and Angie were at the "breaking point" and fellow Bauer Publishing title In Touch just did a cover with the words "Have They Split?" Anyway: The Spears sisters conquer the other two covers, though the stories are pretty yawn-inducing. Intern Margaret assists as we comb through the latest issues of OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.

Life & Style
"How We Make It Work!" Despite repeated headlines like "Breaking Point!, this week, the mag declares that Angelina and Brad are "Happier Than Ever." Moving on: Britney is filming some kind of reality show or documentary for MTV. That photo op where she presented a check to the school in The Bronx? That'll be on it. Madonna and A-Rod could be "back on" since they had dinner together last week. Is Janet Jackson canceling concerts because she is sick? Or because tickets are not selling and she doesn't want to see half-empty arenas? Rihanna and Chris Brown: Moving in together! They're looking at apartments in Sierra Towers on Sunset Boulevard.
Grade: F (hair-in-a-can)

In Touch
"Britney's Humiliating Betrayal." An insider says, "Kevin and Shar are having sex." Shar as in Jackson, Kev's ex-girlfriend and baby mama. A friend reveals that Kevin, who got about $13 million in his divorce settlement from Britney, pays for all of Shar's stuff: her rent, her phone bill and her day-to-day expenses. Which means that Britney's paying. Sigh. Moving on: Katie Holmes wants to move to New York. A source says, "Broadway has turned Katie into independent woman. LA is Tom's turf, but Katie feels more in control in New York." She's looking at apartments! Angelina and Brad want to adopt a daughter from Haiti, and they want a girl who is younger than Zahara. Right now, they have a total of six nannies. Also, a source says: "Behind closed doors, they're at each other's throats." Lastly: Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical just bought a $3 million house in Studio City, CA: She is 19.
Grade: D- (toupee)

OK!
"Casey Breaks His Silence: I'm No Cheater." The mag interviewed Casey and Jamie Lynn and went through each girl he was accused of sleeping with. Casey denies ever having sex with other chicks, like Kelli Dawson or Whitney Seals. He says: "There was never another girl pregnant ever. I'm 19. Jamie's the only girl I've ever had pregnant." Jamie Lynn says that one of those girls sold her story and in a small town, when one person does it, everyone decides, good idea. Casey and Jamie Lynn are engaged but they won't get married for a while, because they want their daughter, Maddie to be part of the ceremony. Casey is a full-time student at Southwest Mississippi Community College studying process technology, which prepares you to work on a pipeline. Jamie Lynn wants to get a business degree. Next: "They're Just That Into Drew!" is a charticle detailing Ms. Barrymore's many, many hookups. Some of these people are on the infamous herpes chart. (Fig 1). Lastly, in "How To Look Tall And Slim," the magazine explains how to do an angled hands-on-hips/one foot forward pose à la Victoria Beckham. Servicey!
Grade: D (plugs)

Us
"How She Got Thin Fast" This story begins as a vertical poster centerfold of two pictures — front and side view — of Angelina Jolie at the premiere of The Changeling. The story goes on to say that the family used to eat processed food like pizza and Hot Pockets and now they don't. But there is a picture of Shiloh holding Cheetohs. The mag says when Angie does break down and eat junk food with the kids, she uses portion control. Moving on: "Audrina vs. Lauren: It's War!" As we know, there is a rumor that LC slept with Justin Bobby. A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own." Spencer talked to Us and said: "The truth is, I did know about this, and chose to say nothing out of respect for Audrina's feelings." He is such a good person. Next: "Jen Vs. Britney: Guess The Body!" Now that Spears is super-svelte, can you tell her apart from Aniston? (Hint: Yes.) (Fig 2). Kendra Wilkinson was seen making out with Joe Francis in Miami. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels say they're gonna get hitched now that gay marriage is legal in California. They exchanged vows in 2003 and have 4 children. Exclusive interview with Travis Barker, from the hospital! "I'm trying to have a quick recovery and play the drums again and be able to hold my kids again," he says. He had to stop being a vegetarian, because after his first three surgeries, the grafts would not take to his skin, due to his low levels of protein. He thinks if his last surgery goes well, he should be out of the hospital in the next two weeks. Lastly: Even though there were jokes about the obese child on Desperate Housewives, played by an actual obese child, the show's creator says: "We are not making fun of childhood obesity. We were trying to paint a portrait of a woman who doesn't know how to deal with her daughter's problem."
Grade: D+ (comb over)

Star
"Angie's Secret Tummy Tuck!" Angelina Jolie told some friends she had a "mommy tuck." It was done right after the birth of her twins and she recovered in the hospital for a few days. Then she spent the next two months healing at home. Says an insider: "She had a hard time sitting still and couldn't stop picking up the babies, so the stitches opened up a few times and doctors had to come fix it. She had a really tough, painful recovery. But now she's doing fine." Next: Peter Krause has been chasing Lucy Liu around the set of Dirty Sexy Money. The story called "Why She Can't Find A Man: Jen's Secret Struggle" is all about how poor Aniston has unrealistic expectations because no one can live up to Brad Pitt. Lastly, "I Married A Star" is a photo list of unfamous people who married famous people: Matt Damon's wife, Nicolas Cage's wife, Tina Fey's husband.
Grade: C (extensions)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

 JZB