Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit
my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Palin á SNL nr 2

CEO Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Sumir eru bara meira hreinskilnir en aðrir

10 reasons computers must be Males

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

C Rock hjá Lalla Kóng

Munið að kaupa eintak strax - fyrsta sending er uppseld hjá útgefanda

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

CEO Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Full Of It

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. 'Friends, Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears.
Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious.' The crowd are up on their feet 'Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar'.
In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says 'Caesar doesn't half talk some sh&t eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a  wet parchment bag.' Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.
'Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls'.
The crowd is up on their feet again. 'Yeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar'.
Brutus once again turns to his mate 'I'm sick of his bullsh&t. I'm off to France to check this out.' So Brutus sets off for France.
Three weeks later he comes back to Rome,just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, 'Friends, Romans Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those buggers out!' The crowd is up on their feet.
'Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar'
Brutus jumps up and shouts, 'Caesar, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!'
The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and  says...................... 'Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.............Away Gauls count double in Europe.'