Góður

 

"Words To Live By"

"Words To Live By"

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

The Second mouse gets the cheese

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Næst þegar þú ætlar að nota einnota Latex hanska þá er ekki annað hægt en að brosa þegar þú heyrir það sem hér fer á eftir:

Tannlæknirinn tók eftir að litla gamla konan sem var næst í stólinn hjá honum var ansi kvíðin svo hann ákvað að segja henni smá brandara til að róa hana.

Hann setti á sig hanskana og spurði um leið hvort hún vissi hvernig svona hanskar væru búnir til.

Nei sagði hún.
Jæja hélt hann áfram,
það er verksmiðja í Kanada sem er með stóran fullan tank af Latex efni og verkamennirnir þar dýfa höndunum í tankinn með efninu, láta svo efnið þorna og fletta síðan af sér hönskunum og láta þá í kassa merkta viðkomandi stærð.

Gömlu konunni stökk ekki bros.
Jæja það mátti reyna, hugsaði tannlæknirinn.
Fimm mínútum seinna á meðan viðkvæmur hluti tannaðgerðarinnar stóð yfir, fór gamla konan að skellihlæja.
Hvað er svona skemmtilegt sagði tannlæknirinn.

Ó! Ég fór allt í einu að velta fyrir mér hvernig smokkar væru búnir til.

"Husbands Gift"

"Husbands Gift"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Angry BB

life mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Welcome to Australia

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian care facility.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone. ''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.

''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab!'

Ljóshærður

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You scumbag!" says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

"THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN"

"THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN"

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

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EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

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MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

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BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

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ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw things at cats.

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FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

********************

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change... but she does.

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DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

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NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.